Negative Report

I had my PET scan and the results were negative. I’ve been trying to have a positive attitude through this whole journey but it’s really hard when you get negative news. Please enjoy this video clip in lieu of my test results.

The PET scan looks for active cancer metabolism and a negative result means there was no cancer doing cancerous things. This is great news and worth celebrating. It also means that the treatments are doing exactly what they are supposed to do. This result is what was expected. Many of you will ask about further treatment and that’s an important question. This treatment typically has a negative PET scan after 3 treatments but finishing all 6 treatments provides the best remission results. It’s a statistics game. The more of the six treatments you can take, the better the results. Therefore, I will experience the worst part of my schedule after the cancer is gone. Yes! I’m complaining a little. In a few months, I’ll probably complain a lot.

This last treatment was worse. The initial nausea, heartburn and fatigue were not as bad but they lasted longer. I missed work Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I worked on Tuesday but I was not 100%. The next three weeks I felt constant fatigue. My blood counts are most likely low. The fatigue feels like I can’t get enough breath. Everything makes me tired and when I go to bed, usually an hour early, I sleep so sound I now call it my coma.

The positive, negative news should inspire motivation to complete the remaining treatments but I’m getting nervous about how low I will go. I will do my best to keep a positive attitude especially since my flavor of Lymphoma is obviously treatable like doctors claimed. I receive my next treatment Tuesday which is my fourth. Your prayers, cards, “likes” and support are precious.

Going Deeper – Maybe too deep 

Most of you know I value self-discovery and self-knowledge. I’m learning something about myself that I share because it might help someone else who’s having a hard time figuring it out. I was trying to rake some leaves a week ago and I became so tired I sat down on a bench to rest. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to finish the project even though it was a small job. I knew why I was tired. All the literature talked about fatigue and chemo. I was feeling exactly what was expected but the facts didn’t matter. I started to feel sad. I felt sad that I couldn’t rake a few leaves. I felt sad that I have cancer and sad that family and friends have to take care of me. I even felt sad that I would share this in my blog and people would feel sorry for me.  I don’t want pity but why else would I share it? I think I share it because I’m experiencing something firsthand that I’ve believed for a long time. Sadness is a result of losing something or someone. I’ve lost my strength, my energy and my norm. I’ve also lost a good friend, Deb Hawkins, to cancer. Her battle was difficult and short. When something bad happens, sadness is the result. You can’t replace it with a positive attitude. You can’t drink it away with alcohol. You can’t even “believe” it away with faith. Attitude, alcohol and faith are some of the many attempts at coping. Some are harmful and some are life-giving. Faith gives me life but it doesn’t fix things. It seems to me people want sadness to go away and they say things to try to help. After all, if you have faith in God, why would you be sad? It’s tempting to try and fix the sadness but sadness is an honest response to a loss. I remember playing baseball as a kid. Whenever I struck out, I hated going into the dugout. There was always someone who would pat me on the back and say, “it’ll be alright” or “don’t worry.” The problem was not “nice” people. The problem was striking out. It’s not a colossal failure with life-long repercussions but it’s a failure. It takes a few seconds or minutes to get over it. I’m not picking on nice people because I’m sure they’re doing what seems right to them. I just need some time to get over it. There’s no positive thought that reduces the outcome. Some people say, “good swing.” I’d rather someone say, “thanks for the breeze. It’s hot out here.” That would at least acknowledge the gravity of the failure. Anyway, sadness follows loss and sadness just has to run its course. You can’t tell someone how to mourn. You just walk with them through it. Mourning a strike out lasts about 4 minutes. Mourning loss from cancer probably lasts longer but this too shall pass. I know it will pass because faith keeps me hopeful of what God will do even in the midst of loss, pain and suffering. I’m strengthened by the thought of Jesus, who not only suffered great pain but must have suffered great sadness since his pain represented the sin of the world. Suffering must have turned into sadness and sadness turned into to joy through faith in God. I’m sure this too shall pass. Now, I’m going to get my boat ready for more coping.